"I do not
understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do”
– Paul, Romans 7:15
Have you ever had that kind of day? I know I have.
You wake up in the silence of the morning and life is peaceful…and then reality sets in. It wasn’t just a bad dream. You blew it. What you wish you could forget is now pressing in on you like a iron fist. How did it ever come to this? You find yourself reflecting on the person you thought you were, and realize that you can’t quite account for your actions. You want to find something to defend what spawned your reaction, but the lines become hazy. There is no excuse that justifies it. It just happened.
Or did it?
For years, psychologist have hypothesized and researched “why” we react the way we do. From Freud’s sexual aggravations to Beck’s operational conditions, the theories flow from every direction. There is clearly no clear cut answer, but from my personal experience, there is merit to each theory. For today’s post, I’m just going to dip your toe in the water to see if you’re interested. If you’d like further resources, just let me know, I’ve got plenty!
I’m going to make a very important statement that you should write in your noggin and never forget: Your circumstances are not the problem. They are a symptom of your problem.
So what is the problem? Your beliefs
And no, I’m not talking about your religious or political beliefs. I’m talking about your beliefs about yourself; your perspective on life and where you hold human value. How much do you respect yourself?
Let’s take TLC’s “Hoarding: Buried Alive” show for example. Many would think that the problem is hoarding. Clean up the house, and yaayyy!! Problem solved! ::EEEEERRRRRRRRRR:: Wrong. The second the crew cleans up the last pizza box, that person will begin hoarding again. The problem lies in their beliefs. Joe Shmoe believes that if he keeps everything he gets, he won’t have to deal with the pain of letting go ever again. Until he learns to deflect that irrational thought, and replace it with a true, rational thought, he will continue to hoard.
Shall we move to a more personal level? This time we are going to use a young woman named Ava (a fictional character). Ava is a beautiful, successful woman, but has a pattern of abusive relationships. We are going to use the following version of the ABC's to explain the concept of distorted thought process:
Have you ever had that kind of day? I know I have.
You wake up in the silence of the morning and life is peaceful…and then reality sets in. It wasn’t just a bad dream. You blew it. What you wish you could forget is now pressing in on you like a iron fist. How did it ever come to this? You find yourself reflecting on the person you thought you were, and realize that you can’t quite account for your actions. You want to find something to defend what spawned your reaction, but the lines become hazy. There is no excuse that justifies it. It just happened.
Or did it?
For years, psychologist have hypothesized and researched “why” we react the way we do. From Freud’s sexual aggravations to Beck’s operational conditions, the theories flow from every direction. There is clearly no clear cut answer, but from my personal experience, there is merit to each theory. For today’s post, I’m just going to dip your toe in the water to see if you’re interested. If you’d like further resources, just let me know, I’ve got plenty!
I’m going to make a very important statement that you should write in your noggin and never forget: Your circumstances are not the problem. They are a symptom of your problem.
So what is the problem? Your beliefs
And no, I’m not talking about your religious or political beliefs. I’m talking about your beliefs about yourself; your perspective on life and where you hold human value. How much do you respect yourself?
Let’s take TLC’s “Hoarding: Buried Alive” show for example. Many would think that the problem is hoarding. Clean up the house, and yaayyy!! Problem solved! ::EEEEERRRRRRRRRR:: Wrong. The second the crew cleans up the last pizza box, that person will begin hoarding again. The problem lies in their beliefs. Joe Shmoe believes that if he keeps everything he gets, he won’t have to deal with the pain of letting go ever again. Until he learns to deflect that irrational thought, and replace it with a true, rational thought, he will continue to hoard.
Shall we move to a more personal level? This time we are going to use a young woman named Ava (a fictional character). Ava is a beautiful, successful woman, but has a pattern of abusive relationships. We are going to use the following version of the ABC's to explain the concept of distorted thought process:
- Activating Event (Trigger Situation)
- What was happening just before I started to feel this way?
- What was I doing? Who was I with? Where was I? When was it?
- Beliefs
- Thoughts and/or Images
- What was going through my mind at that time?
- Meanings & Interpretations
- What did this say or mean about me?
- What was the worst thing that could happen?
- Consequences
- Emotions
- Describe as in one word & rate intensity 0-100%
- Physical Sensations
- What did I feel in my body?
- Behaviors: Actions & Urges
- What did I do? What did I feel like doing?
Now you have the content, let's get back to context.
Ava was getting dressed for her husband's work party last week (A). She had bought a new outfit that she knew was modest and classy. She always felt very intimidated by the success of her husband. Not only that, but Ava knew there were many other women that worked with him that were far more intelligent than she (B), and they would be at this banquet as well. As she put on her pearls she felt the anticipation of his approval. She walked out with shaky knees, and found him sitting in his chair. He looked up with a blank stare, "that's what you're wearing tonight?" Her heart sank. Part of her wanted to lash out on him out of hurt, but just as quickly, she realized that he was probably right. She silently went back to change (C). She never was good with fashion; her family was quick to point that out (B). Even if he wasn't right, she couldn't bear another argument; She was like a mouse fighting a cat - Small and insignificant (B).
You'd be amazed at how often this happens. Spectators, family, and friends all quickly surmise in their infinite wisdom that Ava needs to get out of the relationship. She can get a new guy that will treat her right, and badabing! Problem solved. But then she goes right back to the same abusive relationship! Grrr. It makes me want to rip my hair out. These beliefs can come from anything. Don't be fooled by Psychoanalysts that say everything is our parents fault. It can be from friends, old relationships, or even the media.
We are a species that are born with innate insecurities; if we made totally whole, we wouldn't need a holy God. It is in our incompleteness that God can fill in the gaps. Unfortunately, if Satan gets in those gaps, he rips them wider and wider with twisted thoughts and faulty evidence. We have to fight against the distorted thoughts. CBT followers call it "thought stopping". Basically this means that when you begin to feel a strong emotion, you stop and reflect on what beliefs are attached to the event. Those beliefs are the cause of the emotion. Ava believes that she is only worthy of love when she meets certain expectations; If Ava would choose to overcome this distorted belief and stand up for herself, it would change the dynamic of her relationship.
"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:2)
The world constantly feeds us messages that attempt to conform to something it considers "desirable". Its impossible standards are perfectly portrayed in the rate of self-destruction by those it esteems. Paul does not write "by the renewing of your actions". Paul was no Dr. Dobbins, but he knew what came first: the mind. When we renew our belief in ourselves, our actions follow suit.
Note the sentence that comes after "renewing". Only once we have rewired our brains to see ourselves in the lens that God sees us in, and have gotten rid of the world's distortions, will we be able to see what He has called us to. Whoa. That's something to think about.
