Before I get into this blog, I would like to apologize for my "absence". I started this blog in the middle of a very intense semester, and found myself overwhelmed between papers, a death in the family, and other more happy events such as my newphew's birth. I intend to update these posts weekly/bi-weekly, because I do have so much that I want to share. Now that I am in summer break, I fully intend to get back into the swing of blogging. A big thanks to Heidi, Drew, and Matt for encouraging me to continue posting :) it means a lot that people enjoy reading them.
Onto todays discussion....
Unconditional Positive Regard. Sound familiar?
For all the discontention throughout the various theories of psychology, this term seems to show up them all to some degree (early Freudian theorists disagreed to some extent..that's a different story). So what it it exactly?
Carl Rogers coined this term, and believed it was part of a 3 fold system. In his teaching, in order for a person to "grow", they need an environment that provides them with genuineness (openness and self-disclosure), acceptance (being seen with unconditional positive regard), and empathy (being listened to and understood). To be more clear, unconditional positive regard involves showing complete support and acceptance of a PERSON no matter what that person says or does.
Please note the uppercase word in the previous sentence. Notice that it does not say "actions", "beliefs", "values", etc. It says person.
Now I know that it seems that this "acceptance" theme may be getting slightly overdone with my last two posts, but I had an event happen recently that hit home so hard I had to postpone my other brainstorms for another post..
I had an old friend call me up to hang out the other day. I was excited to reconnect as we drove to our destination, but the "so, how's life?" question took an unexpected turn. As the mile markers whizzed by she began to explain that she was not the girl I once knew. She made confession after confession about the destructive choices she had made. As she got to the end of each confession she would say something to the effect of, "are you sure you still want to be my friend?" I wholeheartedly assured her that nothing she said could diminish my love for her. After convincing her of this, she often brought up one more dirty deed as if challenging my statement. Her eyes would search mine to find traces of disgust or condemnation...but she found none. The anguish, pain, and heartache was so real I knew that these secrets had festered inside of her for a long, long time. Every so often she would come back to reality and realize I was there listening to her deepest secrets and realize I hadn't said anything. She would then either ask me what she should do, what I thought about her, or just assume that I didn't want to hear what she was saying. I would reply that I was listening, and just about bit a hole through my lip to keep my mouth shut.
Do you have any idea how badly I wanted to preach her a 3 point sermon?? There were neon signs that pointed the pathway to her destruction, starting with her attitude towards herself (which I believe is the main cause for almost all bondage). I wanted to point out how many time in scripture the Lord shows love for even the worst of sinners. I wanted to give her steps to take! I wanted to assess the danger level of the situation!! It took all the little bit of training I have to slow down my thoughts long enough to catch all the things she was saying and not saying. Listening is so ridiculously hard.
I will admit, I did cave and point out a few things about God's unconditional love (Dr. Williams would red ink that part of the converstaion). But ya know what? As I dropped her off back at her house, she did not say one thing about my incredible words of wisdom. Nope. She didn't even acknowledge my well thought out theology. Instead she said something along these lines..
"I know you didn't expect this tonight, but I can't tell you how much better I feel. I've kept all these things to myself for so long now and it's been eating me up and just makes me feel horrible. I figured you might kick me out of the car with how disgusting I am..but I somehow thought that maybe you wouldn't. It means so much that you still want to even be my friend. I feel lighter somehow. You'll never know what this means to me"
In my terms Unconditional Positive Regard = Love Like Jesus
Now I know that there has to be more than just listening and acceptance to bring restoration. There are many steps that my friend will have to take to release herself from the chains of her past. The reason I push this acceptance so much is because you CAN NOT help someone that you do not have unconditional positve regard for. Once judgement begins, the relationship is severed. How can we be judges when we are convicted criminals anyway? James, in James 2:10 states, "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it". AKA: we are all guilty. I'm pretty sure I broke the "golden rule" today when a dumb driver cut me off and just about caused an accident! That puts me in the same boat as my friend. Unfortunately that rule doesn't say "love your neighbor as yourself when they are doing the right thing". God is not very good at thinking like a normal human being.
God went out of his way to the Samaritan woman whom he knew to be an adultress and "worthless" in the eyes of the Jews. Why? Because He loved her, even in her sin. Though He knew the destruction of her sin more than we will ever know, He saw this woman and He loved her still.
I don't know about ya'll, but this makes me sigh with relief. He loves me even though....
well. you get the picture.
