A Summary of Why I Became a Counselor

Hi again :) I'm sorry for the long sabbatical.  Today I finished my very last paper of my Masters degree...crazy. I still have 900 hours of internship to go, but there's no more graded learning; it's time to get my hands dirty! Between my part time job in the Regent counseling office, babysitting, cleaning houses, and internship, I've found the days fly by without a chance to reflect on all that's going on. As crazy as it sounds, I realized how much I'm going to miss having a reason to write.

So here I am back at my original idea; type what I'm learning.

My good friend, Emily Peegler reminded me that a full life is not necessarily a meaningful life.  I've been so busy doing good deeds that I've forgotten the importance of sitting back and reflecting.  Doing something meaningful.

So here I am. 11:40pm.  Needing to wake up at 5:30am.  And excited!

I made this video for my Career Theories class. At the time I thought the project was a little silly..telling the reason why I chose counseling.  What's the big deal??  Then as I began to reflect back to my childhood and had to find the links, I realized how deeply ingrained my calling has been.

Then came time to actually share my video. As proud as I was of my hard work, I was very hesitant to be so vulnerable to an audience I couldn't control. I'm a preachers daughter, with a hard earned reputation of being "perfect".  I've spent a lifetime trying to keep it together. Am I willing to lose it all in 10 minutes of honesty??

So here I am. Hovering above the "publish" button.

I know for a fact that freedom is found in confession. I've preached it, seen it, and know it to be true..so here we are.

Here ya go world. This is me. Thanks for listening.

Narrative Therapy

Have you ever found yourself desperate to confess to a sheet of paper? You search for a random scrap, or maybe a "new document" in your word processor, and before you know it the words that you would never dare speak to anyone else are jet black on a surface of white.

Perhaps you're brave enough to keep them bound in a "diary", or the more mature "journal".  It's confession to an inanimate object that will never be able to hurt you. It's a way to put a progression on the chaos of this life.  It confines the emotions to adjectives and verbs. Something that was bottled inside of you is now relieved; oozing it's way onto something you can control. You could burn that paper, throw it away, or maybe let it sit there on the shelf to come back to when the haze is gone. 

Have I lost you? Or can I get an "amen"?

I was given my first "diary" by a close family friend when I was 6yrs old. My first entry was about one sentence long, and it probably took me an entire episode of "Scooby-Doo" to finish. I don't think Fiona could have ever known what she started when she gave me that diary. I now have a drawer full of journals that have been part of my sanity all throughout the trials and tribulations of growing up in a broken world. Long before I knew what "mental health" was, I was doing my very own therapy.

Narrative Therapy.

A nice summary of this therapy can be found on goodtherapy.org . For those of you that don't want to read the full page, narrative therapy can be described as externalizing the experiences we have in order to separate the situation from ourselves.

Now hear me out, I am not saying that if you write it down that you are no longer affected by the situation. I'm going to quote this site's description of the goals of narrative therapy because I couldn't put it any better myself, "A problem does not define a person. A problem is something that a person has, not something that a person is. The goal is not to transform who you are, but rather to transform the effect that the problem has on your life". 

When we externalize the agonizing, pent up emotions, we are then able to objectively explore the validity or hidden areas of the situation. We can challenge our feelings and reflect on why certain parts stand out more than others. We can be the editors of our own emotions. This is going to lead into my next blog about the concept of "reframing".  For now, I just want to challenge you to separate yourself from the problem. Write it down, or speak it out loud to someone (make sure they're not eager to interrupt). Reflect on how it feels to release the emotions and place them in an organized space. 

Where did this happen in the Bible?

Psalms, Lamentations, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon..just to name a few.

You want some real emotions?
"Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath.
² Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
³ My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord, how long?"  (Psalm 6:1-3)

God can handle your sorrows. Go ahead, make them visible.
            

Learning Your ABC's

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” – Paul, Romans 7:15

Have you ever had that kind of day? I know I have.

You wake up in the silence of the morning and life is peaceful…and then reality sets in. It wasn’t just a bad dream. You blew it. What you wish you could forget is now pressing in on you like a iron fist. How did it ever come to this? You find yourself reflecting on the person you thought you were, and realize that you can’t quite account for your actions. You want to find something to defend what spawned your reaction, but the lines become hazy. There is no excuse that justifies it.  It just happened.

Or did it?

For years, psychologist have hypothesized and researched “why” we react the way we do. From Freud’s sexual aggravations to Beck’s operational conditions, the theories flow from every direction. There is clearly no clear cut answer, but from my personal experience, there is merit to each theory. For today’s post, I’m just going to dip your toe in the water to see if you’re interested. If you’d like further resources, just let me know, I’ve got plenty!

I’m going to make a very important statement that you should write in your noggin and never forget: Your circumstances are not the problem. They are a symptom of your problem.

So what is the problem? Your beliefs
And no, I’m not talking about your religious or political beliefs. I’m talking about your beliefs about yourself; your perspective on life and where you hold human value. How much do you respect yourself?

Let’s take TLC’s “Hoarding: Buried Alive” show for example. Many would think that the problem is hoarding. Clean up the house, and yaayyy!! Problem solved!  ::EEEEERRRRRRRRRR:: Wrong.  The second the crew cleans up the last pizza box, that person will begin hoarding again. The problem lies in their beliefs.  Joe Shmoe believes that if he keeps everything he gets, he won’t have to deal with the pain of letting go ever again. Until he learns to deflect that irrational thought, and replace it with a true, rational thought, he will continue to hoard.

Shall we move to a more personal level? This time we are going to use a young woman named Ava (a fictional character). Ava is a beautiful, successful woman, but has a pattern of abusive relationships. We are going to use the following version of the ABC's to explain the concept of distorted thought process:

• Activating Event (Trigger Situation) 
• What was happening just before I started to feel this way? 
• What was I doing? Who was I with? Where was I? When was it?

• Beliefs 
• Thoughts and/or Images 
• What was going through my mind at that time? 
• Meanings & Interpretations 
• What did this say or mean about me? 
• What was the worst thing that could happen?

• Consequences 
• Emotions
•  Describe as in one word & rate intensity 0-100% 
• Physical Sensations
•  What did I feel in my body? 
• Behaviors: Actions & Urges
•  What did I do? What did I feel like doing?

Now you have the content, let's get back to context.

Ava was getting dressed for her husband's work party last week (A). She had bought a new outfit that she knew was modest and classy. She always felt very intimidated by the success of her husband. Not only that, but Ava knew there were many other women that worked with him that were far more intelligent than she (B), and they would be at this banquet as well. As she put on her pearls she felt the anticipation of his approval. She walked out with shaky knees, and found him sitting in his chair. He looked up with a blank stare, "that's what you're wearing tonight?" Her heart sank. Part of her wanted to lash out on him out of hurt, but just as quickly, she realized that he was probably right. She silently went back to change (C). She never was good with fashion; her family was quick to point that out (B). Even if he wasn't right, she couldn't bear another argument; She was like a mouse fighting a cat - Small and insignificant (B).

You'd be amazed at how often this happens. Spectators, family, and friends all quickly surmise in their infinite wisdom that Ava needs to get out of the relationship. She can get a new guy that will treat her right, and badabing! Problem solved. But then she goes right back to the same abusive relationship! Grrr. It makes me want to rip my hair out. These beliefs can come from anything. Don't be fooled by Psychoanalysts that say everything is our parents fault. It can be from friends, old relationships, or even the media.

We are a species that are born with innate insecurities; if we made totally whole, we wouldn't need a holy God. It is in our incompleteness that God can fill in the gaps. Unfortunately, if Satan gets in those gaps, he rips them wider and wider with twisted thoughts and faulty evidence. We have to fight against the distorted thoughts. CBT followers call it "thought stopping". Basically this means that when you begin to feel a strong emotion, you stop and reflect on what beliefs are attached to the event. Those beliefs are the cause of the emotion. Ava believes that she is only worthy of love when she meets certain expectations; If Ava would choose to overcome this distorted belief and stand up for herself, it would change the dynamic of her relationship.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:2)

The world constantly feeds us messages that attempt to conform to something it considers "desirable". Its impossible standards are perfectly portrayed in the rate of self-destruction by those it esteems. Paul does not write "by the renewing of your actions". Paul was no Dr. Dobbins, but he knew what came first: the mind. When we renew our belief in ourselves, our actions follow suit.

Note the sentence that comes after "renewing". Only once we have rewired our brains to see ourselves in the lens that God sees us in, and have gotten rid of the world's distortions, will we be able to see what He has called us to. Whoa. That's something to think about.

Unconditional Positive Regard

Before I get into this blog, I would like to apologize for my "absence".  I started this blog in the middle of a very intense semester, and found myself overwhelmed between papers, a death in the family, and other more happy events such as my newphew's birth. I intend to update these posts weekly/bi-weekly, because I do have so much that I want to share. Now that I am in summer break, I fully intend to get back into the swing of blogging. A big thanks to Heidi, Drew, and Matt for encouraging me to continue posting :) it means a lot that people enjoy reading them.

Onto todays discussion....

Unconditional Positive Regard. Sound familiar?

For all the discontention throughout the various theories of psychology, this term seems to show up them all to some degree (early Freudian theorists disagreed to some extent..that's a different story). So what it it exactly?

Carl Rogers coined this term, and believed it was part of a 3 fold system. In his teaching, in order for a person to "grow", they need an environment that provides them with genuineness (openness and self-disclosure), acceptance (being seen with unconditional positive regard), and empathy (being listened to and understood). To be more clear, unconditional positive regard involves showing complete support and acceptance of a PERSON no matter what that person says or does.

Please note the uppercase word in the previous sentence. Notice that it does not say "actions", "beliefs", "values", etc. It says person.

Now I know that it seems that this "acceptance" theme may be getting slightly overdone with my last two posts, but I had an event happen recently that hit home so hard I had to postpone my other brainstorms for another post..

I had an old friend call me up to hang out the other day. I was excited to reconnect as we drove to our destination, but the "so, how's life?" question took an unexpected turn. As the mile markers whizzed by she began to explain that she was not the girl I once knew. She made confession after confession about the destructive choices she had made. As she got to the end of each confession she would say something to the effect of, "are you sure you still want to be my friend?" I wholeheartedly assured her that nothing she said could diminish my love for her. After convincing her of this, she often brought up one more dirty deed as if challenging my statement. Her eyes would search mine to find traces of disgust or condemnation...but she found none. The anguish, pain, and heartache was so real I knew that these secrets had festered inside of her for a long, long time. Every so often she would come back to reality and realize I was there listening to her deepest secrets and realize I hadn't said anything. She would then either ask me what she should do, what I thought about her, or just assume that I didn't want to hear what she was saying. I would reply that I was listening, and just about bit a hole through my lip to keep my mouth shut.

Do you have any idea how badly I wanted to preach her a 3 point sermon?? There were neon signs that pointed the pathway to her destruction, starting with her attitude towards herself (which I believe is the main cause for almost all bondage). I wanted to point out how many time in scripture the Lord shows love for even the worst of sinners. I wanted to give her steps to take! I wanted to assess the danger level of the situation!! It took all the little bit of training I have to slow down my thoughts long enough to catch all the things she was saying and not saying. Listening is so ridiculously hard.

I will admit, I did cave and point out a few things about God's unconditional love (Dr. Williams would red ink that part of the converstaion). But ya know what? As I dropped her off back at her house, she did not say one thing about my incredible words of wisdom. Nope. She didn't even acknowledge my well thought out theology. Instead she said something along these lines..

"I know you didn't expect this tonight, but I can't tell you how much better I feel. I've kept all these things to myself for so long now and it's been eating me up and just makes me feel horrible. I figured you might kick me out of the car with how disgusting I am..but I somehow thought that maybe you wouldn't. It means so much that you still want to even be my friend. I feel lighter somehow. You'll never know what this means to me"

In my terms Unconditional Positive Regard = Love Like Jesus

Now I know that there has to be more than just listening and acceptance to bring restoration. There are many steps that my friend will have to take to release herself from the chains of her past. The reason I push this acceptance so much is because you CAN NOT help someone that you do not have unconditional positve regard for.  Once judgement begins, the relationship is severed. How can we be judges when we are convicted criminals anyway? James, in James 2:10 states, "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it". AKA: we are all guilty. I'm pretty sure I broke the "golden rule" today when a dumb driver cut me off and just about caused an accident! That puts me in the same boat as my friend. Unfortunately that rule doesn't say "love your neighbor as yourself when they are doing the right thing". God is not very good at thinking like a normal human being.

God went out of his way to the Samaritan woman whom he knew to be an adultress and "worthless" in the eyes of the Jews. Why? Because He loved her, even in her sin. Though He knew the destruction of her sin more than we will ever know, He saw this woman and He loved her still.

I don't know about ya'll, but this makes me sigh with relief. He loves me even though....

well. you get the picture.

The Continuum Model

Have you ever come across someone that just annoys you to no end? Perhaps you've labeled them as "negative nancy" or likened them to Mrs. Bennet's character on Pride and Prejudice who seems to be plagued with frivolous anxiety. You put up with them on good days..and mentally block them out on bad days. 

If I'm being totally honest, I have caught myself thinking, "can I really empathize with someone that is immobilized by their fear of feathers?" or more likely, "what if a client walks in my office who has abused their wife..how can I keep myself from giving them the stink eye??" As a counselor, I can't block them out. In fact, i'm supposed to show empathy. Talk about an impossible expectation. I mean, I know we're supposed to love our neighbor...but what if they're not being very neighborly?

So one day, I was doodling during our lecture and Dr. Keys introduced us to something that changed my perspective forever: the Continuum Model. Now to be honest, I've been researching this thing for a good hour, and I can't figure out who started it..it seems to have evolved from Jasper (1913) to Foulds (1976) and then Beck and Freeman (1990). If you'd like to do your own research, or clarify my findings, please do! But since I don't have fancy scientific words to quote, I'll give you the Steph Blevins version.

Basically, the Continuum Model makes no distinction between psychosis and normal functioning. The reasoning behind this is that life events, personality, biological and environmental factors are intricately woven together so that it's hard to distinguish what is actually abnormal. Instead of blocking them off into separate categories, the Continuum Model is a one-dimensional line where no distinction is made between personality traits and the symptoms of either personality disorders or mental disorders which essentially differ only in severity. Have I lost you? 

Here is a small example. We've all had days where were just felt down either from pms or just a bad day. We've also had days where we were excited! Maybe you had an overdose of caffeine or accomplished something so you might have done something crazy like bought and expensive pair of shoes. Those things are normal. There are also times that we go a little out of the norm because of a life event, or the way we process life events. After the death of a loved one, most people go through a more severe form of the "blues".  We all understand sadness, a person in mourning just has a more severe case of it.

    major                depressive           "the blues"                hyper                   Manic episode

 depression            symptoms            (just a bad            (excited)               (ideas of grandeur,

(suicidal)            (bereavement)            day)                                        gambling life savings, etc)

<------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------>

SEVERE                                                   NORMAL                                              SEVERE

You maybe be thinking, "steph, this isn't rocket science..why did you waste your wednesday morning on this topic?" We all can empathize with sadness, but what about empathizing with that lady with a feather phobia? Take it a step further...could you empathize with a sex offender? A chronic gambler who had gambled away his family's house? The crazy man that walks down the street? The girl that you exclude because she does nothing but talk about herself?

..........................

Have you ever turned out the lights and felt like something was in the room, only to turn the light on and find out it was your jacket?  Paranoid Schizophrenia.

Do you have an irrational fear of tiny little spiders that end up in your house? phobia.

Have you ever impulsively bought something that wasn't in your budget? Gambling addiction.

Have you ever knowingly done something that was sexually immoral? ......

Do you get my point?

For every abnormal behavior, there is a normal behavior that has gone awry. When you can find that understanding through even the smallest form of common experience, you have found empathy. Empathy builds appreciation. Appreciation builds love. Love is what Christ calls us to do.

As my father says, "you can't minister to someone that you don't appreciate". In otherwords, you can't love and stand in judgement at the same time. As stated by Jesus in Matthew 7:3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?".  If we were to put this into practice it would be something like, "why do you shun gossips when you have been spreading rumors on a daily basis?"

In Matthew 22:26-40 Christ tells us that the second greatest commandment to loving Him, is to love each other. That can seem like an impossible task...so impossible that we often forget about it as we sit in our cars and judge those that walk by that are looking less than "neighborly".  I'll be honest, when a homeless guy walks by my Toyota Solara, I make sure my car is locked. I'm not thinking "there goes a precious creation of God". Then the words go floating by.."whoever has loved the least of these, has loved me" (Matthew 25:40). Sometimes I wonder what happened to that man. Then I wonder what I would have done if I had been born into his circumstances, and what kind of crazy things have I done to gain security..I begin to find empathy. It is then that I start down the path that Christ called me to walk on: love. 

Advice vs. Insight

"Counselors can tell you how to fix your problems"

This is the biggest myth of the mental health field.

Now switching gears...if you can, take a trip back in memory lane to when you were a teenager. When your parents told you what to do, where you thinking "gosh, mom knows EXACTLY what I'm going through, so I better listen to her advice, because she obviously knows the best answer. She is all knowing."?

If you said answered "yes" to the scenario above, you should get an award for being the best son/daughter of all time.

Most of us would say that at some point and time, we either out loud or in our heads screamed, "No! You have no idea what I'm going through! So you don't know what is best!"

Now fast forward to now. Brace your toes, I will most likely step on them.

How many times have you gone to talk to your girlfriends about a problem you have, only to walk away more frustrated and annoyed than you were to begin with? ::brace yourself:: Aaaanddd, how many times has your bfff&fff come to talk to you about a problem, and you have given her your most wise counsel on the subject, and then ::GASP:: she doesn't change a thing. She totally wasted your yoda level advice. Rude. 

If you are female, this must have happened to you at least once. 

Here's the problem. We want so badly to have some answer of what is right, but we are the only expert on ourselves. Let me phrase this in a less confusing way: you are the only expert on yourself. No one, no matter how parallel the experience, will have all the same variables, background, and content, that you have within your circumstances. You can NEVER say "i know exactly how you feel", because that is simply not possible. 

So this is what happens: your friend gives you her wise counsel. You agree that she's right in that single variable to your problem. You go home, you feel misunderstood because that advice doesn't answer the 100 other questions attached to the situation. You also feel like people are judging you if you don't simply ignore the 100 other connecting issues, and do what they advise. Meanwhile, you feel begin to disconnect, because your feeling like you are being shoved into a mold that your friend wants you to have. There is no need for self exploration when your friend already has the answer for you. Plus, you're not sure how safe it is to say what you really feel, because you are probably just wrong....or a sinner.

....sound slightly familiar?

Just for the record, I've been on both sides of this. I catch myself giving advice ALL the time. Listening takes so much effort, and the answers seem so obvious. It's always wonderful intentions. The motive is pure, but the outcome isn't always what we would expect.

Now let's do one more scenario...do you remember a time that someone just sat and listened to you? Maybe they went a full 10 minutes without interjecting, and they were present (as in, not texting/playing video games/etc). How did it feel? 

Now lets just take this rare experience a step further. After the 10 minute hash of your issue, you brace yourself for your friend's opinion..but it never comes! Instead she says something really odd, "it sounds like you're having a really rough time with this, I know there's a lot going on that I don't understand, so I'll be happy to listen while you work through these emotions. What part of this is bothering you the most?" or maybe she'll say "I'm trying to understand, this is what I'm hearing ________________________, is that right?. This list of questions could go on and on, but you know what all of these questions have in common? They never include an opinion. Your friend believes you know the right answer deep inside. She challenges you to expand your perspective. She knows that you must learn things first hand so she challenges you to explore the unknowns of your heart.

Some of you may be thinking, where is Jesus in all this? His best selling book is the bible, and it's full of rules!! 

But look at one of the overarching themes of scripture. Free will. Sometimes I think God is crazy..who would create a species, and let them loose to "figure it out"??? There is something  to be said about being able to explore and choose what you believe. When that choice is made, it is with full understanding that you are leaving every other alternative for that one choice. That's what God wants. He gives us guidelines, but He doesn't lay out the plan word for word. He believes in us. He listens while we blabber on about our problems, and BEG Him for answers. He puts things in our path to challenge us to think deeper. If He were to tell us what to do, we would be like Moses saying "but I stutter! but I'm not a leader!..but!..but!" Nope. He gently nudges us to dig deeper, and shows us that we can do more than we dreamed. 

I don't know about you, but this insight idea gives me a greater appreciation for the Parables. Talk about not giving a straight answer!

So I will let you decide....insight vs. advice. What's your answer?

So this is the beginning.

I'm not really a blogger.
I don't follow them, and I barely know how this works.

But one morning I was eating my breakfast doing my devos and found myself reflecting on how often my counseling classes reflect Christ's attitude towards His people. I also thought about  how I'm learning SO many powerful principles in such a short time during my studies as a MA in Counseling student here at Regent University...and how apt I am to forget things (my brain has a very small storage space).

As I took a bite of my eggo waffle with pb and honey I realized I needed to share what I've been learning. I don't know if people would even care to know these things, but for me they've been life changing. If nothing else, I want to write them down the golden nuggets so that I can go back for when I need a little reminder as to why I'm here.

I don't know if I'll leave this program and be a counselor, or a psychologist, or work in a school or another agency..but I do know one thing: I'll be a better friend. I'll know how to love others when there seems to be little to love. I'll understand how to truely listen. And I'll see how to look past their actions, and see the heart.

I'm about as Christlike as a stinkbug is like a wooly mammoth, but at least I'm moving in the right direction :)

...let the posts begin!